Beautiful New Chapter

July will mark five years since our firstborn, Lydia, died. At 9yrs old she had a long decline after colon surgery. Two years ago, we reached the point where that same surgery was the best remaining mainstream option for then 9yr old Amelia as well.

As a Hail Mary we bought a kit of essential oils and sought help from our local naturopath. When these traditional options worked exceptionally well for us, I started teaching my friends and their friends and so forth, empowering others with what I'd been given. 

I had to develop research and networking skills as Lydia's mom, always pushing the envelope because plans a, b and c often don't work for a medically fragile child with a very rare disorder. These skills and drive perfectly suited me to become a Wellness Advocate in a way I never could have imagined or planned. At this point I have an oil team representing more than 2,500 families across most states and a handful of countries.

The income that has steadily followed is allowing us to buy a nearby house with more living, entertaining and teaching space. We move in two weeks. No more family of seven in three bedrooms!

More importantly, Jason and I are going to be able to find a new level of partnership with both work and family because he doesn't need to continue teaching at this point. I so look forward to spending more time with this man. We are not quite 40 and will get to work together from home starting in June!

These professional portraits were funded by our company for their Leadership Magazine, one more tremendously sweet gift from this unexpected chapter. (Skillfully taken by Jenny Evelyn Prater)

While we were painfully working through the first mainstream options for Amelia, I became pregnant with Esther. It was frightening. I was a mother with my nurturing ability greatly dulled by grief, not looking for another dependent to let down. The song I clung to was Gungor's Beautiful Things, full of Biblical promises of restoration. 

We don't have the promise of affluence or ease this side of heaven. We do have the promise of God's goodness regardless of our ability to make sense of the circumstances and an eternity that overshadows it all. We know the challenge of trusting when it hurts, yet here we are experiencing a different side. Not only are we living restoration of relationships at home and beyond but getting the responsibility and privilege of stepping out from under financial burden as well.

Phil 4:11b-13

11b I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. 13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

This passage was as important and applicable in the days following Lydia's death as it is today. We pray that God continues to shore up that secret of contentment in us and that his glory be the focus through our season of abundance just as through the years of heartache.

For His Own Glory,
Allison

Resurrecting the Blog with Easter Pics

I can't begin to fill in all the blanks from the quiet months. They included challenges that weren't appropriate for public sharing and then personal awkwardness on how to bridge. Once I was emotionally ready to talk about other things, life was far more engaging than the computer screen. It's no longer the much needed outlet of times past. That's not all bad!

The short of it is, life is returning to our version of normal in ways we haven't experienced in a long time. It was March 2010 when Lydia's earthly body started the first battle of her final war. Jason was taking my place at the local food co-op submitting my order while I was at hospital admissions. The bowel obstruction was only expected to be a blip on our radar. As we know it wasn't. Most of those bulk purchases then sat and sat. Good thing they were the type things that keep for years! I am proud to say I have a lot of newly empty buckets kicking around my laundry room today. This means our habits of our preferred ways of eating have re-rooted.

The undeniable confirmation came during a very sticky cleanup this weekend. The home brewed water kefir, on it's second ferment, exploded because the jar it was in was weakened from the cold/heat process of making yogurt. The probiotic-rich liquid ran down from the top of the pantry onto every shelf and the floor below BUT very little was lost because it was all in jars and a few cans. The only cardboard was compromise foods (not even bought by me). The chia seeds, coconut sugar, cod liver oil, homemade spice blends, pink Himalayan salt, balsamic vinegar, bucket of wheat berries, bags of dried beans even...all fine. Yep, we are comfortably weird again.

Other aspects of life the last few months? I'll hit a few and sprinkle in pics of Esther Bunny's first Easter too.

A Wee Update Including Amelia

Remember when Jason texted me a play by play when Esther was getting cleaned up and weighed in the newborn nursery? We're in that mode again today, kinda. It's daddy/daughter bonding time in the radiology department of the Atlanta Children's Hospital for some urinary testing. With Lydia, I could muscle her into compliance with such. Amelia is way too strong and emotionally involved for my brute force. It was at her first GI appointment a year or so ago when I literally couldn't coerce the rectal exam into happening, enter Jason, less invasive options if at all possible and Versed. Prayers of many and begging various medical personnel unlocked the chill pill that was initially deemed unavailable for an awake procedure. I wanted the tests to be successful but even more to buffer the fear. That's what mamas are supposed to do. I would be there too if it made sense but know she's in great big (texting) hands.

Amelia asked me last night if I was going to be alright getting the kids off to school without her. I laughed but it was a valid question. That child can push my buttons better than almost anyone, like the week after Lydia's birthday.

I am used to the anticipation of grief dates or the actual days being rough but this year trouble came when I let down the day after, just as babymoon morphed into full-swing life. There came dentist and doctor's appointments in mass with nb in tow (Amelia grew 5" in the last 18mo!), the first of a series of tummy bugs this season (which have only effected our males strangely), behind on all the housework, neighborhood dogs getting into our fence for the great chicken massacre (10 fowl casualties!)...and ultimately my fractured focus and depleted energy which led to miserable homeschooling. So unnaturally we took advantage of teacher/homeschool appreciation day at Rock Ranch and totally wore ourselves out. It was fun though, cutting bait and breathing a bit.

Double Digit Sophie

I'm way behind on documenting noteworthy life around here. Oh where to start? How to organize it? 

I suppose I'll start with the oldest kid.

 

Sophie turned 10!

 

She's officially passed Lydia's lifespan, mind blowing.

 

Sophie loves celebrations and the limelight. This girl plans her birthday for many months. One important detail this year was Esther coming for lunch. Most of my pregnancy was narrated with "And on my birthday the new baby can come to my school!"

Sweet Six Weeks

Today, Yummy You...

Are Six Weeks Old!

12 Years Ago...

Twelve years ago today these young'uns became parents.

 

 

 

It was thrilling each time we got to take you home, over and over again.

Test Results

Who got test results today?

 

 

"I did. It was me."

 

 

 

Esther Juliette's Birth Story

Baby Esther was born in the early hours on Friday August 24th. It's her one week birthday already! 

I am just drinking her in around the clock. This is the mama who not too many months ago thought her nurturing ability was irreparably broken by grief. We've had babies that demanded more time in arms than others. Esther hasn't had a chance to express an opinion on being put down, thus the delay in celebrating her birth with a post. Granted, I haven't felt too much pressure since Jason does a pretty thorough job updating through FB. He's shared pics and one liners and now I'm here fill in some details of Esther's whirlwind birth story.

As Lydia's gestation and birth month approached I started to get uncomfortable with the idea of a Lydia part 2 delivery. I even started packing extra birthing aides and calling in reinforcements, in case my labor length was resetting (longer) like my gestation. I need not have been concerned. God gave us, gave Esther, a very different birth story adventure than all the others.

Waiting on Go (Ten Things Off the Top)

1. God's unwavering control and goodness became the foundations of my faith as Lydia's mom and beyond. Still lately I keep grappling with my unmet timing expectations instead of resting in His character. I'm geared down now but was mocked by my locket inscription most of the month:

Jeremiah 10:23

Lord, I know that people’s lives are not their own;
    it is not for them to direct their steps.

Just after the gender u/s my first girl name suggestion was 'Providence'. Jason laughed and said that sounded like Puritan for "oops baby", so we moved on. I did think it was pretty.

2. I was just asked several times IF I am pregnant. Ya think? This isn't even an action shot. You should see me walk, or not. What comes after the waddle stage? I'm there.

Summer to School to Baby (Ten Things Off the Top)

1-There will be 4 kids under our roof tonight for the first time in 4 weeks after going 2 by 2 to my parents in FL. Treasured pictures were taken by a talented family friend while down there:

Cookbook and Fireworks-Grief Anniversary Triggers

To most it looks like a mere festive Christmas cookie recipe book. I had big, specific, colorful dreams when I headed to the cashier hugging what I considered a bound album of memories to make with the firstborn in my belly. I strangely treasure that book, a link to an unswayable, idealist, young version of myself. It isn't of much use for it's intended purpose though since I have never been able to bring myself to actually cook from it, even with our subsequent able-bodied children. When I stumbled on the book a couple of weeks ago it was the surprise tripwire making me acknowledge the source of my recent edginess, July 5th inching closer, the 2 year anniversary of Lydia's death. My emotions were closer to the surface than I realized.

Independence Day is much like that cookbook. To most it's a celebration, beach time, fireworks, cookouts by pools, pinterest explosion of patriotic colored desserts. It's even bigger than that as a tribute to our freedom. No one need apologize to me for their festivities by any stretch, maybe some day I'll be able to join you. Right now at my address there are no festivities, it's still overshadowed as primarily the date these pictures were taken.

Glimpses of Life and the Kids

Without even factoring in the feel of the humidity, it's registering 108F outside, a record tie in local history. Jason just installed a friend's extra window unit since it's 85F inside. I am melting! I was actually told that I looked small for 7mo pregnant. Still feels like I'm wearing a down vest with a (heavy) heater tucked under it. With each new baby I've taken up a new hobby or research topic while awake at odd quite hours: breastfeeding, adoptive breastfeeding, smocking, cloth diapering, healthy food, and now babywearing (venturing into the world of woven wrap, mei tai and non-padded ring sling). As steamy as it is right now, I wouldn't be voluntarily wearing anyone even though I really want to fully enjoy the experience with this baby. Thus I'm glad to wait a few more weeks. To be exact, I will be 31 weeks tomorrow and my babies have been evenly spaced from 36 to 39 weeks.

It's a ...

Even when video quality suffers the tone is captured.

Final Poll:

And the Emotional Reveal:

(Listen for Poor Caleb)

Josiah is calmly and firmly convinced it's still a boy who will share his name.

(If you aren't able to see the videos, my apologies. I have to go to my desktop. A follow-up post with more typed words and a few still pics in process.)

Wrapping It Up to Easter, Sunday's Coming

Having been encouraged to complete the picture, I went back and added the image of Lydia's post-surgical abdomen to the second post in this series. It indeed speaks volumes. View only if you wish. And now...


Welcome to part 4 of 4 for the family update. Here are links to one, two and three. 


Far more of you have experienced expecting a baby rather than grieving a child. You know how it's never far from your mind, whether you are engaged in something totally unrelated or assembling the crib? While I now consider the two mental presences similar, I would not have said so regarding Amelia's twin. I didn't know the second baby in my womb even existed before its heart stopped beating. He/she was never part of my life or my anticipation and most of the time, I forget. 

What Else on the Medical Front?

As a continuation of this post let's finish up the Amelia's update first. 

Through her medical stuff, I've been sweetly surprised at the gift of mother-daughter bonding. She loved her healthy treats of coconut water, chicken broth and homemade popsicles while on clears (Amelia shares my ideology of a whole foods diet). She leaned on me with her tears when hunger got the best of her and I was actually emotionally available. Through circumstances I would never choose came another piece I've been seeking. She's also been my white knight through the gaggy months, offering to change Josiah's stinky accidents and starting the diaper laundry! Just this week Josiah seems to have figured out that last step of potty training, wonderful!

How Amelia Met Her Deductible

Amelia's new GI has ordered a series of tests on her colon (lower GI, rectal biopsies and colonoscopy). The later revealed that the child has the uncanny ability to remain "constipated on watery poop", a discovery after a bowel prep including four day of clear diet and loads of laxatives. It hardly fazed me that Amelia had gone on to the movies and church during this process. That's how colon cleanses go on the only two gals I've worked with. Amelia's mention of the "clear" blue slushy while watching the Lorax prompted the doctor's first pause that day. He looked at me and said basically Houston we have a problem here.

Baby Bump and Telling the Kids

Being quiet the past 8 weeks wasn't due to lack of ups and downs to write about but more the energy and coherency to convey them. I finally completed a catch-up entry, five pages long, single spaced, before pics. Don't worry, I'll break it up into several posts to make it easier on your senses. No build up to a grand reveal this time, just recording our living.

The baby bump has already grown big and clumsy but I felt more like myself yesterday than I have in months. The two belly shots so far have been taken by iPad and Amelia, neither capturing my head or chins.

10 weeks:

A Beautiful New Thing

While on the beach trip God revealed another layer of His plan for our family, one that added a deadline for this chapter and a fresh hope for the next.

Isaiah 43:19

¹⁹ See, I am doing a new thing!
   Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
   and streams in the wasteland.

Meet Baby # 5 (if you count present noses), 6 (if you count Lydia) or 7 (if you count Amelia's twin)

I simplify by answering 5th pregnancy!
  

Merry Christmas and a Beachy New Year

The longing for a festive big family gathering had already been met, so it wasn't at all a let down this year for Christmas to be simple. While we didn't quite get through all of our advent stories, I did borrow an inspiration and pulled together 25 candles for the dining room table. (Remember the visitors we almost had in October? They were the push I needed to unearth the living/dining room from the lingering visitation paraphernalia.) We ate the evening meals in there for the bulk of December. The kids loved the change of location and lighting the number of candles to correlate with the date...leading up to the anticipation of the 25th. The center candle holder was purchased from an art shop on our honeymoon, projecting to the cross.

It was a day of worshipful focus, yummy food, family and excited kids with a few gifts.

December: Hide and Seek with Joy

As if November didn't look like plenty of play distractions, December held even more. It worked and it didn't but was a valiant attempt.

First up: Disney on Ice

This was magical, even though most of the pics ended up as blurry as Sophie below. Oops.



I made it through Thanksgiving just fine but this tore me up. Of all things it was the sea of light-up-spinning-toys surrounding us launched the emotional ambush.