Cookbook and Fireworks-Grief Anniversary Triggers

To most it looks like a mere festive Christmas cookie recipe book. I had big, specific, colorful dreams when I headed to the cashier hugging what I considered a bound album of memories to make with the firstborn in my belly. I strangely treasure that book, a link to an unswayable, idealist, young version of myself. It isn't of much use for it's intended purpose though since I have never been able to bring myself to actually cook from it, even with our subsequent able-bodied children. When I stumbled on the book a couple of weeks ago it was the surprise tripwire making me acknowledge the source of my recent edginess, July 5th inching closer, the 2 year anniversary of Lydia's death. My emotions were closer to the surface than I realized.

Independence Day is much like that cookbook. To most it's a celebration, beach time, fireworks, cookouts by pools, pinterest explosion of patriotic colored desserts. It's even bigger than that as a tribute to our freedom. No one need apologize to me for their festivities by any stretch, maybe some day I'll be able to join you. Right now at my address there are no festivities, it's still overshadowed as primarily the date these pictures were taken.

Glimpses of Life and the Kids

Without even factoring in the feel of the humidity, it's registering 108F outside, a record tie in local history. Jason just installed a friend's extra window unit since it's 85F inside. I am melting! I was actually told that I looked small for 7mo pregnant. Still feels like I'm wearing a down vest with a (heavy) heater tucked under it. With each new baby I've taken up a new hobby or research topic while awake at odd quite hours: breastfeeding, adoptive breastfeeding, smocking, cloth diapering, healthy food, and now babywearing (venturing into the world of woven wrap, mei tai and non-padded ring sling). As steamy as it is right now, I wouldn't be voluntarily wearing anyone even though I really want to fully enjoy the experience with this baby. Thus I'm glad to wait a few more weeks. To be exact, I will be 31 weeks tomorrow and my babies have been evenly spaced from 36 to 39 weeks.

It's a ...

Even when video quality suffers the tone is captured.

Final Poll:

And the Emotional Reveal:

(Listen for Poor Caleb)

Josiah is calmly and firmly convinced it's still a boy who will share his name.

(If you aren't able to see the videos, my apologies. I have to go to my desktop. A follow-up post with more typed words and a few still pics in process.)

Wrapping It Up to Easter, Sunday's Coming

Having been encouraged to complete the picture, I went back and added the image of Lydia's post-surgical abdomen to the second post in this series. It indeed speaks volumes. View only if you wish. And now...


Welcome to part 4 of 4 for the family update. Here are links to one, two and three. 


Far more of you have experienced expecting a baby rather than grieving a child. You know how it's never far from your mind, whether you are engaged in something totally unrelated or assembling the crib? While I now consider the two mental presences similar, I would not have said so regarding Amelia's twin. I didn't know the second baby in my womb even existed before its heart stopped beating. He/she was never part of my life or my anticipation and most of the time, I forget. 

What Else on the Medical Front?

As a continuation of this post let's finish up the Amelia's update first. 

Through her medical stuff, I've been sweetly surprised at the gift of mother-daughter bonding. She loved her healthy treats of coconut water, chicken broth and homemade popsicles while on clears (Amelia shares my ideology of a whole foods diet). She leaned on me with her tears when hunger got the best of her and I was actually emotionally available. Through circumstances I would never choose came another piece I've been seeking. She's also been my white knight through the gaggy months, offering to change Josiah's stinky accidents and starting the diaper laundry! Just this week Josiah seems to have figured out that last step of potty training, wonderful!